So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
