Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
