The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
