She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
