apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
