i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
