Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
