girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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