He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
