I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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