Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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