This is not my ceiling
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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