Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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