you traded sex for a burrito?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
