I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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