...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
