Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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