What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
