Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
