i already hear my dad disowning me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
