chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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