At least make sure they are 18
Why
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
