when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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