apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
