i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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