Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He passed out mid-signature
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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