i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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