You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
