shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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