It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
