Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
