Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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