As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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