Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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