You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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