I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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