I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
