areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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