i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
