just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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