i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
