The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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