I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
