You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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