If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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