WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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