the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
