Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
