He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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