I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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