I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
